To live again
by darkmoore05
Summary: After the final battle, Harry seems to need a new purpose in life. He has a talk with Severus. HPSS preslash


**071 - Broken  
Author:** darkmoore05  
**Title:** To live again  
**Fandom:** HP  
**Rating:** PG  
**Word count:** 1402  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine. They belong to JKR. I just want to play with them.  
**Beta:** cassandra pierson

"What are you doing out here alone, Potter? Got enough of celebrating already? I would have thought you'd bask in the attention you're receiving as our great war hero." Severus' tone was cold, his expression stern.

Harry looked up at him tiredly, saying, "Shut it, Severus, you know why I'm here. I can't stand it any more and I guess you're feeling just the same. Or else _you_ wouldn't wander about in the gardens during a Ministry party, either. And don't you start with me on that war hero crap, or do I need to remind you that _you_ are as much a war hero as I am. I think Scrimgeour is good for something after all. I would have hated to hurt him hadn't he pardoned you and given you an Order of Merlin first class on his own. That man is completely terrified of me. Just what I needed – along with the awe and fame, I get the reputation of becoming the next Dark Lord myself. Great, just great." Harry sighed, placing his chin back on his knees. He was sitting on one of the benches in the garden, hugging his legs to his body tightly.

"Stop whining, Potter. Not everything is about you. And I am sure I'll be wearing one of Albus' hideous robes, before someone as _Gryffindor_ as you turns into the next Dark Lord." It was meant to come out sarcastic, but the grief over Dumbledore's loss was all too present in Severus' voice.

The mental image of Severus in a purple robe with yellow and red dots brought a small smile to Harry's face. "I'm not saying I am going to _be_ the next Dark Lord, I'm saying people will _think_ I'll be. That's a difference." Harry then said silently. He hated how everyone looked at him lately. Ever since he had defeated Voldemort, there was this weird sort of _awareness_ in the eyes of the people he talked to. Even those who knew him for a long time now. Severus and the Weaselys really were the exception there. "I mean, what did they expect?" Harry went on when Snape remained silent. "They knew all along that I was powerful, why now this sudden change in behaviour? I only did what everyone expected me to do. It's not as if I asked for it, or something."

"Potter, use your head for once. _Of course_ they are terrified of you. You're a 20 year old who just destroyed the Dark Lord. You're the most powerful wizard currently alive, you have so much raw energy you practically _pulverized_ him just because you _wanted_ it. Do you honestly expect people to be all cosy and cuddly around you after you did what you did? Come on, not even you can be so dense." Severus gathered his robes around himself carefully and sat down beside Harry.

"But…" Harry began, but didn't finish his sentence, knowing Severus' words to be true. "It's not fair," he then murmured, feeling lost and hurt and alone. Why couldn't his life be simple, just for once?

"Life isn't fair, Potter" Severus said in the same silent tone, sarcasm absent from his voice for a change. "If you haven't learned that lesson by now, you're a hopeless case."

Harry remained silent for a while, thinking about how much he and the people around him had changed over the last few years. A lot of things were different since Albus was gone. So many had been lost not long after his death. There were precious few people Harry could call 'friends' these days and Severus counted among these people. He was still as sarcastic and unapproachable as ever, but they had come to some sort of truce a long time ago. The fact that they could sit beside each other in the middle of the night on a bench in the garden should be proof enough.

"Is that what I am? A hopeless case?" Harry finally asked the man sitting beside him. "Did my usefulness end when I destroyed Voldemort? Is that it? I'm just a hazard now, after fulfilling my task? Is that what they'll think? What _you_ think?" There was anger and pain in Harry's voice, but he couldn't help it. He felt so out of balance, so confused ever since the final battle. He had _killed_ someone and people were praising him for that. Yes, he had done what he had to do, had rid the world from a great evil. Why didn't it feel like victory then? Why did he still hear Voldemort scream every time he closed his eyes? Why did it feel like he had sold part of his soul when he killed him?

"What _I_ think, Potter, is that you did the world a favour. You did what you have been trained to do. Now you have to deal with the consequences and no-one can help you with that. I don't say it is easy – it never is. What I say is that it is possible."

"I don't know, Severus." Harry said, finally looking him in the eyes. "It doesn't feel like it. I feel…different. I feel …like a hypocrite. I _killed_ people on that battlefield, Severus. I took life instead of protecting it. How can I be alright after that? How can anyone be?"

"It was them or we, Harry. They were trying to kill you, us, were threatening the students. Do you think they had any scruples? You know better than that. You are not damaged or broken or whatever you think you are. You'll be alright. It may take some time, it may take more than a few weeks or even months to learn to accept it – live with it – but you'll manage. I know you will. _You_ gave those people the chance to live their lives as they wish; now allow yourself the same. You have nothing to feel sorry for, nothing to be ashamed of."

Harry looked at Severus, surprised about the suddenly tender tone of his voice. He was even more surprised when the other man leaned over, brushing a strand of hair from his face.

"Don't do that to yourself, Harry. Don't let him win even after he's dead. You should start to live now and finally do what you want to do. Go play Quidditch, be an Auror, marry a nice witch and have dozens of children. You can have whatever you want to have from life." There was more emotion in Severus' voice than Harry had heard in it for a very long time. He smiled at that.

"You called me Harry. Twice. You never call me Harry." He said softly.

"It's what everyone else calls you. I want to be different. Stop changing the subject. What are you going to do with your life?" Severus snapped irritably. Harry just laughed. He felt suddenly very stupid. How could he have been so blind?

He had watched people making plans for their new life, ever since Voldemort was gone, and he had felt somehow left out. They didn't need him any more. They were starting to really live again. Hermione and Ron were planning their wedding, the twins were organizing the re-opening of their shop, Minerva was searching for yet another new DADA teacher. Driven by that feeling of…guilt and shame he had experienced lately, he had put his own life on hold. He had felt lost and without purpose for the past few weeks since the final battle, but now Severus had cleared something up for him. Something important. And it felt good; no, it felt bloody brilliant.

He was allowed to make plans, he was allowed to have a life, he was allowed to have dreams. He had not died along those people they had lost on the battlefield that day. He was going to make it through somehow. But most importantly – he wouldn't be alone. In fact, Harry had a feeling that he might have some constant company very soon, if he got it right.

"You said I could have everything from life that I want to," he finally answered Severus, smiling brightly.

"That I said," Severus replied.

"What if I want you?"

The end.


End file.
